A few weeks ago, the Manchester United FB Page asked the question ‘Still thinking about the 8-2?’. I said hell yeah. What else was there to think about? The international break had most inconveniently followed, and I’ve never translated my United fandom to following England (for Roon one could argue, but now practically the entire right wing) or hating them (for Lumplard, Cashley and the likes). On the national scene I remain faithfully Indian, watching them stumble from Syria to Iran to Korea in a series of qualifying games that we invariably ‘play with great courage’ but quite simply, just suck at. As a result, there was a severe withdrawal of sorts in for two weeks, till the Bolton game, at which point most thankfully, normality was restored.
Not couting the oh-well-meh Champions League game over midweek, United have an aggregate score of 13-2 in the League over the past two games. The very real downside of such orgasmic performances is the obvious question, what next? We live in a world where every new iPad is lighter, every new championship sees Usain Bolt go faster and every new day makes Mario Balotelli seem more deranged. To keep with these insane times of constant advancement, United now have to simply do one or all of the below to show the other teams that they’re not stagnating
‘Total’ Football
Just like education policies around the world want to ensure that ‘no child is left behind’, United will now follow the motto ‘no man left out’. All 11 players will attempt to get on the scoresheet, an endeavour which is much easier with say a Phil Jones than it is with De Gea admittedly. As a reward for saving van Perie’s penalty and saving United from the ignominy of winning only 8-3 (!!!), De Gea will be allowed to take any penalty that we win. Nani will be substituted off as soon as he has got his, lest he puts the plan in jeapordy. Rooney will be gently reminded that he hasn’t got one yet, and that he should stop playing balls over the top for Sir Ryan of Giggs, who is quite clearly unwilling to run after them anymore…
Pwnage Goal
At United, we never forget our most loyal servants, even when they leave us because they are the richest, handsomest bestest player in the world and obviously United are not good enough for that. As our second highest scorer from barely two seasons ago, United will honour Mr. Own Goal (that’s the first time I realize how much that sounds like Owen Coyle) by pinging crosses towards the opposition defenders’ legs/chest/head really hard. I mean like ‘what if feels like when you run into Vidic at full tilt’ hard. If the defenders wise up to our tactic and let the ball reach our own attacker rather than get in the way, then we’ll put De Gea at the far post. You know, in case the penalty doesn’t come.
Jogo Bonito
While I’m aware that Arsenal holds all copyrights, patents, trademarks and rights to this form of football, and it’s an infraction punishable by FIFA, United will nevertheless attempt to score at least one goal in a manner that will make even Wenger stand up, raise his arms to the sides and exclaim ‘Mon Dieu, I didn’t zee it!’ The goal will consist of 26 passes, one more than the famous 25-pass-goal by Argentina in the World Cup which will surely qualify it as a beautiful goal. Johnny Evans will try his best to to make one of the 26, but after three failed attempts where he breaks the chain at the 12th, 14th and 21st pass Johnny will be given the gloves and De Gea asked to come forward. Of course, he will be allowed to cap off the move in case neither the penalty nor the pass to the back-post had come through by then…
These are few of the ‘plays’ that United can incorporate into its ‘offence’ to make sure the ‘soocer’ is made more interesting for the future instead of playing out boring 5-0s. Also, American commentary on soccer sounds really different from Martin Tyler. All we need to do now is put in some training ground moves and make sure we’re ready to pull it off our next game. Who are we playing, now?
Oh. Hmm, this could be trickier than I thought.
In other news, I hear that our afore-mentioned illustrious North London friends have just gone and lost again. I’m not even getting any joy from these any more…
I 8-2 break the news Arsene but...