Walrus and Guy are best friends on a trip to Europe. For reasons that we needn’t delve into right now, they’ve been separated. Guy’s going all over Europe searching for him. Coincidentally, he’s also a Gooner and was able to catch his first live game ever: the Champions League tie between Paris Saint Germain and Arsenal on 13th September, 2016. Here he is, sharing his experience with us all. You can read about the escapades of Walrus and Guy at www.whereswalrus.com/stories.
Mañana es tío, everybody!
So, I’m in Walrus and I’m trying to find Paris. Or is it the other way around? I dunno, man. Anyway, it’s September 13th 2016, and I have a ticket to see Arsenal play Paris Saint-Germain. Yeahhh. In the Champions League. Yeahhh. Live. Yeahhh. For the first time ever. Yeahhh.
I was super excited. I dunno, being an Arsenal fan is a bit weird. Arsenal does the craziest shit every year. I mean, every single year we do something super lame and just don’t win. If it happened to any other team, people would lose their shit. But with Arsenal, it’s like a regular thing. Yeah, we’ve made the routine look like the ridiculous. Or is it the other way around?
But I dunno man, I love Arsenal. I was super pumped. I was wearing my Henrying T-shirt because it’s blue. I was sitting with the home fans. I dunno, I didn’t want to stand out and get mugged in case we won. And I didn’t want to wish for us to lose. So I was wearing blue. Henrying because Henry is French. Yeahh.
So I get onto to the platform to catch the metro to the station. I was just standing there when I saw that one of the first coaches was filled with Gooners. So I start running and get to that coach. I get in and they’re all staring at me. So I stare back at them. Then this one guy who looked like Danny Welbeck spots the back of my shirt.
“Thierry Henry!” he shouted, spinning me around for the rest to see.
“Thierry Henry! Thierry Henry!” they shouted.
“Thierry Henry! Thierry Henry!” I shouted.
It was awesome. There were French Arsenal fans and English Arsenal fans. There were Arsenal fans that looked like Chuba Akpom and Arsenal fans that looked like Porky Pig. Then there was the Arsenal Fan TV guy! He looked a lot like Walrus would if he lost the tusks. Yeahhh. I said hi to him and then got back to singing. He said hi back and got back to looking like Walrus would if he lost the tusks. We all got out of the metro. These guys were drunk and singing loudly. I wasn’t drunk yet, but I was singing loudly too.
We all walked into a supermarket to get a few beers. Pre-gaming. Yeahhh. I drank a couple of beers I bought. We were all walking towards the stadium. Then, this dude who looked like a drunk Ignasi Miquel walked up to me and asked me to sell him my shirt.
“I can’t. It’s limited edition.”
“I’ll give you 50 Euros for it. Go on.”
“No, it’s limited edition.”
“No man. I appreciate the offer, but it’s not for sale.” I’m a really big Arsenal fan dude.
“You’d have sold it for a 1000, wouldn’t you?”
“Are you offering me a 1000?” I’m not that big an Arsenal fan, dude.
Oh well. Whatever. We split because all these guys are the away fans and I had to go sit in the home end. I got in easy enough. The guards were super nice. They said I could sit anywhere in the block I was allotted. I went and sat right at the front. I was pretty early, so there weren’t too many people around. I was close enough to yell at Petr Cech – who was practising in the goal right in front of me – to hear me. If he had really good hearing. But not super good, just really good. Yeahh. So I watch him train for some time. He goes back in and I look around to check the stadium out before it was full. I’m so glad I did that, because I spotted a small group of Arsenal fans sitting together about ten rows back in the same block. I figured I’d be safer there. I was right figuring that. I went and sat in a corner, next to this guy who looked exactly like Rob Holding.
“Excuse me, are you Rob Holding?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Now leave me alone.”
Rude guy, that. But whatever man. The stadium starts filling up. The Paris fans take over our stand. There are a couple of guys who are super pissed off at us because we’re in the home end. One was this guy who looked like a Mexican drug dealer. The other looked like a member of the Ku Klux Klan. The first guy just kept shouting really loudly in French. But he was skinny looking and tried too hard, so nobody cared. The other guy kept showing Arsenal fans the middle finger and the throat slashing sign. I was watching the tunnel. Out came the players and out came Arsene Wenger. He was like a pencil dude. Super thin and tall. The game started soon enough.
It’s super awesome how things look different in real life. The players are bigger. The fast guys run faster. You see more of the players. What’s not awesome is Nacho Monreal getting skinned by Serge Aurier for Cavani to score in the first couple of minutes. The goal happened right in front of me as well, which sucked even more. Serge Aurier running towards you is scary dude. No wonder Nacho got scared. Cavani looked so much bigger than Ospina too. It was weird.
The first half went by without much happening. We didn’t do much. Cavani didn’t score. Which was amazing because he could have scored a lot of goals. I really wanted a goal for us because I didn’t want to pay 100 Euros to sit with a bunch of Paris fans to watch Arsenal lose my first time. That would suck. Yeahhh.
It didn’t happen. In the second half, there was a lot of scrambling in PSG’s goal. Kind of like when we play football, but it looked cooler. And then Alexis scored. It was awesome. Rob Holding and I celebrated. The Paris fans got pissed off. Super pissed off. The stewards came in and stood covering us from the Paris fans. We were about twenty Arsenal fans. The Ku Klux Klan guy was shouting about killing this one Arsenal fan and was escorted out. Wannabe drug dealer – who had been trying to play manager all day – started trash talking.
“Arsenal! Arsenal! Suck my dick!” That’s weird, dude. Does he want to put it in the cannon or something? I dunno.
But there was this one guy. This big, muscular dude. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, he was covered in tattoos. He didn’t say anything. He just moved through the Paris fans and looked at all of us with a lot of anger man. I dunno, I got super scared. This dude looked like he could knock Goku out in a fight. The stewards were my only defense of line. Or is it the other way around? This guy could have probably jumped over them and kung-fu kicked all twenty of us before they stopped celebrating the goal.
But he didn’t. Which was awesome. Yeahhh. Then Giroud came on and the entire stadium was booing. He was huge. He looked twice the size of Maxwell as he ran past him.
“Giroud! Giroud! Son of a bitch!” shouted the wannabe drug dealer. I wonder if he sold any weed. Weed would be nice.
Then Giroud got sent off. I dunno why, it looked like he was just standing there minding his own business. But the ref didn’t want to talk about it with anyone. So we had ten men and I was pretty scared we’d blow it. But we didn’t. Away point. Yeahhhh.
The game ended, and the stewards came back to cordon us off. I saw that scary dude giving us all the death stare again. Ku Klux Klan guy was back too, yelling at some random Arsenal fan. Wannabe drug dealer was abusing Cavani as he left. About fifteen minutes after the game ended, we were allowed to leave and I walked to the other side to walk with the Arsenal fans.
This was better. Because there were more of us, so the Paris fans wouldn’t be as scary. Also, maybe Arsenal Fan TV guy would interview me. I wish Walrus was here. He’d have probably done something crazy to make the Paris fans try to kill him. And then he’d have come out of it alive. Because he’s crazy. Yeahh.
This was awesome. Arsenal didn’t lose. First game ever. Yeahhh. I got onto the metro back to my hostel when I saw this familiar looking dude sitting and chatting with a lady. I walked up to him.
“Excuse me, are you Tim Stillman?”
“Big fan of your work at Arseblog.” I lied, I didn’t understand what he said. It was too smart for me. But he was a famous Arsenal fan and he was awesome. Yeahhh.
Wow, I met Tim Stillman and Arsenal Fan TV guy.
I hope I find Walrus. And some weed and booze.
Till next time,
Vous êtes vessie!